


The Gentlest

by barely5feet



Category: Free!
Genre: Angst and Hurt/Comfort, M/M, Multi, References to Depression, Self-Harm, Suicide mention
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2016-09-21
Updated: 2017-03-26
Packaged: 2018-08-16 11:43:07
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 6
Words: 7,314
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/8101105
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/barely5feet/pseuds/barely5feet
Summary: Makotos smile wavers. He hesitates. There is something not right about him and Haru could never guess this gentle boy, this kind hearted, loving young man, his best friend who would never hurt anyone, could hurt himself.





	1. Lunch

**This fic was inspired by a quote I saw online:**

_"It's sad to think. That the ones who self harm; Who cut; Bruise; Burn; Purge; Starve; Are the most gentle. Who would rather hurt themselves. Than anyone else."_

**Much love from your author,**

**~5**

** (Additional Archive Warning **: _T_ _his is not a romance. Self harm is not romantic, poetic, breathtaking or beautiful, and love will not cure mental illness._ HOWEVER. Self-harm affects more than the sufferer. Loved ones are deeply involved. While I do ship Makoharu that is not the fixation of my work. This is a journey of finding self-love, self-acceptance, and learning to rely on people. Makoto needs Haru to enter, even start _thinking_ , about the world of recovery.)** **

* * *

"Makoto…" Haruka broke the comfortable silence between them. Nagisa and Rei had vanished to fetch snacks leaving only the two in each others amiable presence.

"Huh?" Makoto's inquisitive sound came briefly before his head turned to the side to meet green eyes with blue. Surprisingly, his gaze was not returned. Haruka's eyes were instead peering down to Makoto's arm. His sleeve was  rolled up and the countless days of swimming showed in his deep tan. Makoto knew with a jolt what Haruka was going to ask about. Despite what he knew was coming--

"What is it Haru?" He added a smile for good measures. Play it cool, he thought.

Haru finally meet his eyes, voice faint with an uncommon curiosity, "what happened to your arm? Is it okay?"

Makoto knew it. He gave a bashful laugh to cover his sudden panic and looked over his arm then Haru. "Ah, that, oh it's nothing! I was playing with this kitten the other day and she got really excited and her claw snagged me. It's fine!" Makoto pulled his arm back from where he was resting on it and sat up straight. . It wasn't fresh but it wasn't old either. The single line was perhaps a bit straight to have been from an unruly cat but otherwise fit the story with little reason to complain. The brunette shifted to fix his white sleeve back over the mark, suddenly stopped when the cold touch of Haruka pushed the cloth back again.

"Are you sure? Let me see, it looks-"

 _No. Don't touch me._ Makoto tensed at the hand. Arm instinctively jerking back.

"Haru-chan! Mako-chan!"

Both were startled from their current predicament as the blonde came stumbling in, dropping multiple items at their feet and taking a seat next to Makoto. Rei followed behind Nagisa, filling the last gap of the circle with a sigh. With the brief moment of distraction Makoto quickly unrolled the fabric he had previously been deterred from over the wounded skin. If there was ever a time Makoto felt any ill feeling towards Haru it was then and there. The burning sensation of where he touched the injured wrist lingered uncomfortably.

"Here's your water Haru, and Rei that's yours... ah Mako! Here's yours."

"Thank you, Nagisa, but, didn't I ask for water?" Makoto's eyebrow quirked as the yellow carton of banana flavoured milk he was handed smiled back at him with images of a happy cow and a dancing fruit.

"Mhm! But Tachi-banana!"* The blonde giggled and he knew Makoto couldn't fight him on his sense of logic. Indeed he was correct, Makoto swallowed his exasperation without a problem, never one to anger easily. Lunch continued on for the other three almost as if nothing had happened. But Makoto felt otherwise.

His exterior progressed to have normal conversation, following whatever direction Nagisa decided to steer them today on their roof top meal. He smiled, he laughed, he pretended. Internally, Makoto was a frantic mess. The close call with Haru turned his dial up and things were blurring into a haze of guilt. Why had he decided to roll up his sleeves? He could feel them all staring, laughing at his pathetic attempt to hide the "cat-scratch". His hand repetitively found itself tugging down at his sleeve. Buttoning, unbuttoning, repeat, with the cuff. His anxiety was rising.

_Stupid._

It had only been two days but he had already forgotten about the one cut that he thought he could get away with that wasn't on his thigh. He was praying for winter to come and to ice all the swimming outlets possible. Then, his body would be his and no one could see what a helpless child he had been reduced to.

It was probably _because_ it was Haru he as around that he let himself get to the point of comfort where he exposed himself. This was still new to him, having to keep things away from Haru. He didn't like it the least bit. On the other hand, what could he do? It would only be a nuisance if he admitted his recent problem. It didn't matter what happened to him.

Makoto was already so needy and clingy, the growing list of annoying things he had about himself seemed to never end nowadays. Haru, Rei, and Nagisa would hate him if they ever knew the truth.

* * *

 ***Tachibanana: reference to lesfrites creation of the tachibanana's** **  
Basically a pun on his name *badum tsk* and a reason to draw little Makoto's emerging from bananas.**

 **Banana milk is really sweet! Don'** **t drink too much!**


	2. That Night

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Archive Warning: Graphic depictions/mentions of self harm in the following chapter

Everything hurt. There was an ache in his chest that felt like it was sucking the life out of everything he did. His mind wandered, the physical reality around him slipping away as thought mingled and swam around each other. He wasn't thinking of anything specific, and for the time being, he was content in not letting what was really on his mind take full focus.

He spooned the dinner from one edge of his plate to another, mashing the salmon into smaller chunks with the edge of his chopsticks. Makoto felt out of place at the lively Tachibana dinner.

 

"I can finish two bowls of rice in 3 minutes!"

"Yeah right prove it!"

He thought his voice would be lost among the bickering of the twins, "Mom, Dad, may I be excused? I have a lot of homework to do tonight so I want to get started as soon as I can." 

"Nobody is proving anything you both have decent appetite. And sure thing dear, study hard!" His mom spoke over everything at ease. She gave him a warm, sympathetic smile all the while strategically pulling the bowl of rice farther from Ren and Ran.

Makoto left the table plate and utensils in hand towards the sink. The cool water of the tap reminded him that after their Monday off he would be facing the others at swim tomorrow.

Should he really do this tonight?

The running water had already reached a warm temperature but he continued to let it heat as he again drifted. Makoto's eyes lingered past the sink into the small back balcony of their first floor. An aloe plant wavered in the cool evening wind, a spiderweb dancing off the tip of leaf. He thought of the soft waves of the school swimming pool. His friends giddy and laughing in it. _Without him_. They were all so happy _without him_. 

"Makoto?" His mother's voice cut through. "The water's running. Don't be wasteful."

"Huh?" Makoto pulled himself out of a daze. His face flushed and he almost dropped his grip on the plate. Hurridly he scrubbed it clean.

"Sorry, it was just really stuck on there, okay, goodnight then!" He tucked the clean dishes away on the drying rack and hurriedly brushed his hands dry on a towel before stepping into the hall.

Within seconds of shutting the door, a faint 'click' of the lock reassured the privacy he needed. He was itching to get this over with. Raiding the bathroom, he reached past the highest shelf on his cupboard to the special box tucked in an out of sight corner. The only things the twins couldn't break into were items they didn't see or couldn't reach. Not that having razors would be strange for a male his age, but these... they were different

He had pulled them from an ordinary pencil sharpener. One that now was decommissioned as it really had no function other than a tub of plastic to hold shaving. The ordeal of releasing the blade from its plastic home was really too simple.

Stripping to just his boxers and the shirt he would sleep in, he slid to the floor and let his back lean against the side of his bed.

If he were to do this, it could only be on his thigh. He couldn't risk letting someone see again. He knew he couldn't face Haru with that questioning look again. And he definitely knew most of all he couldn't  _lie_  to Haru again. Already the skin was tampered with wounds-- old, new, and somewhere in between. His finger hovered over one, bright red and thin. Being from yesterday it hadn't even had time to properly heal.

He pressed down on it,  a dull throbbing sting welcomed by his senses. But it was not enough. He had found out there was only one sensation that could quell his emptiness.

Blood beaded to the surface of the first shallow cut. The second followed suit,  _easier_ , he thought. A release of tension through destruction. Euphoria flooded his senses from head to toe. 

_If this is supposed to be punishment, why does it feel so good?_

Twisted satisfaction turned sour as the memory of Haru reappeared. What if he knew? Haru always had that ability to perceive whatever Makoto was feeling even through whatever face he projected instead.

 _This one's for being so annoying. This one's for being so stupid. I am such a complete idiot. What a terrific friend I am..._ **_They shouldn't have to put up with this._ **

Makoto dropped his hand when he knew he had reached his limit.

A weight was lifted from his chest. He felt so _alive!_ The thrill of his own mutilation was like a high. He looked at the back of his hand, a blue vein prominently displayed itself under his skin. He turned his hand over to reveal his palm and the path of the singular cut on his forearm.

By all means, it wasn't as deep as most of his cuts. But, for some reason, he hesitated here. The skin on his arm somehow felt... more dangerous.

He was not someone who wanted to die. There were thing to do, his cycle of day to night, school to home, swim captain to older brother. It was tiring and sometimes seemed pointless but he knew at there were faces counting on him. If he do even one thing worthy of someone else's praise maybe that would be enough.

Makoto was living for other people at this point, not himself.

Wearily, he stood up, bottom half aching from sitting on the hard ground. He had probably been there a lot longer than he thought. Makoto moved deliberately back to his bathroom, overhead florescent light flickering as it turned on. He washed the silver quickly, placing it back in he box before hiding it back in it's corner with guilty hands. A foreign figure stared back at him in the mirror. Makoto instinctively turned away from himself. He didn't need to look into a mirror to see the mess he looked like.

With delicate movements, he began wiping off his leg with a warm washcloth. However, the gentle solution of water was no force against the flare of red skin. It was clean, but the area still inflamed with an angry resistance to being injured. Exhausted, Makoto would just have to wash it again tomorrow and ward off any infection he might be presenting himself to. The peace he received from cutting transitioned into his bed and with a deep sigh, welcomed sleep like an old friend.

* * *

Haru sat alone in his room, stomach full from a dinner prepared alone and eaten alone. His phone lay abandoned on it's charger a few feet away by a pile of equally neglected text books. It was impossible to complete any homework like this- Makoto was on his mind. In all senses he trusted the teen with his life, but Haruka suddenly didn't know if that was being reciprocated. Makoto had _flinched_.  Even if he does complain about how cold Haru's hands get or that he was ticklish or whatever. Makoto _never flinched_ from his touch. For all the times he tried to convince himself it was nothing, that was a first in their relationship he had been unprepared to deal with. He hated the word _doubt_ and _Makoto_ in the same sentence.

Had he angered Makoto? Haru almost smiled at the idea. Makoto never got angry. Flustered and panicky, but not all out rage. And he didn't hold grudges, so nothing from their past bickering could be reason for a present problem. Things weren't broken, but he couldn't name what exactly was off about their situation. There was an explanation for everything, not even magic could cause Makoto to push himself away from his best friend. Haru crawled over to his phone, searching through the brightly lit contacts until he reached "R".

"Haruka-senpai? What's the matter? It's getting kind of late and I'm almost done with studying".

"Rei. Have you noticed anything different about Makoto these past few days?"

"Oh, not that I..." He paused and Haru imagined him pushing his red glasses back up the bridge of his nose with a thoughtful expression," well, he has been spacing out a lot."

"What do you mean?"

"Like yesterday, our Monday meeting is usually started off by Gou announcing what will happen that week-"

"It is?"

"Yes, you are usually in the pool by this point. Anyway, Gou-san was talking about an upcoming race and the fees and Makoto-senpai completely spaced out. He's usually so attentive when speaking with someone... I didn't think much of it then... is there something wrong with him? Are you guys fighting?" Rei couldn't imagine the two best friends ever fighting. Still it didn't hurt to ask. A call from Haruka-senpai was a rare event.

"We're not fighting," Haruka cleared the thought from Reis mind. "And... I don't know... It's probably nothing... thanks."

The dial tone beeped in Reis ear.


	3. An Eventful Evening

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Depression can be different for everyone. Some people overeat, some people have no appetite whatsoever. Makoto has been out of touch with the world and in this chapter bad eating habits are catching up to him.
> 
> ~5

"Oi, oi! Space cadet Mako-chan back to Earth!~"

"Ow, Nagisa... my head..." Makoto whimpered the words and a pout crossed Nagisa lips for only a moment.

"Sorry," Nagisa still smiled but his features took on a soft apologetic look. "You know Mako-chan," the underclassmen crouched to a squat where he was eye level with Makoto. With a firm grip he snapped open the safety seal of the water he had fetched for the other boy, "If you feel ill, you should just go home."

Makoto took the water as it was handed to him, gratefully accepting and gulping down almost the entire thing. God, he really has been neglecting his health. Makoto attempted to recall what he had played with for lunch, fondly recalled skipping breakfast, and cutting short dinner... yeah these last 3 days were not what he would want his physician to see.

"I know, I know Nagisa, but I promise, I'm not sick. I think I'm just... just _tired_. Being a third year is hard you know!" Makoto smiled but Nagisa still looked somewhat unconvinced. "Rei and Kou took my temperature while you were gone. They said I was normal or something. 36.4?"

"Thirty-seven. 37 degrees Celsius is normal for the human body to be properly functioning, Makoto-senpai. Although yours wasn't bad," Rei butted in as he walked by, skin glistening from having just exited the pool. Nagisa raised a finger to his lips, gently signaling at Rei to STFU without using anything but nonverbal. Nagisa eventually bid him farewell, scampering off to time Rei on his improving 100m butterfly.

Makoto glanced at the watch still on his wrist, never having changed out of his school uniform. He'd left the locker room soon after arriving to inform Amakata-sensei of his current condition. This upcoming meet they were training for was a minor one but they still needed the score to improve their current funding situation. He insisted he'd feel better after a short rest and some water.

 _5 more minutes_ he told himself.

Naturally Makoto's eyes wandered to Haru. He could see him reaching one end of the lane, gliding as if he were simply a part of the pool and executing a flip turn with little to no effort. Usually, seeing that perked him up. Haru could be so beautiful when he swam. Like, " _a dolphin, or a mermaid_!", he remembered Nagisa exclaiming once over some fried food at someone house.

But now, nothing mattered.

Makoto was finding it increasingly difficult to accomplish what used to be the most exciting of tasks, like swimming or playing with his siblings or talking with his friends. Makoto hated the emptiness that was taking up his life. What was the point of anything.

_3 minutes._

Haru hit the wall again, his turn this time was a little messy, but he recovered quickly with strong kicks to make up lost time. 

Makoto dreaded the thought of having to pull himself up from under the shade of sidelines. At least he could change in peace. No one would be in there to survey the damage done to his body. He thought about the incident with Haru yesterday and shuddered. Anything but that.

Changing in the locker room proved difficult, but not impossible. Makoto never felt too proud of his newly mastered ability because along with it came the feeling of always being on guard. There was always the off chance someone would see or bump into him, that Nagisa could suddenly decide to compare his leg tan to the rest of the swim teams.

Would they even care if he decided to swim or not? They looked like they were getting on just fine without him. Makoto didn't feel necessary. He sighed again.

He'd been sighing a lot lately.

_I should get changed._

* * *

Haru felt those green eyes watching him.

Makoto was probably thinking something along the lines of, _'"Wow Haru, you swim so well!"_

It used to embarrass him, the unfiltered way Makoto would praise him. So uncensored and full with his feelings, he could tell him the most sickly saccharine compliments without batting an eye. Makoto was almost the complete opposite of him. Haru, who appeared awkward and stoic in social situation, seemed cold next to the warmth Makoto radiated. Haru was not one to be incredibly vocal about how he felt, preferring more to show those close to him his affections by cooking for them, buying gifts, or simply being there for them. He was clumsy with words. But Makoto, he had a natural way with others. He was one to wear his heart on his sleeve and have his feelings on display. Makoto was patient, open minded, and he could love with no fear or hesitation. Makoto was a man with few qualms. 

Haru could remember a time where the large, comforting boy besides him was small, shy, and scared. Back then, things got to him a lot easier. Everyone thought the Makoto today was sensitive, but back then, he hardly spoke. He clung to Haru for support.

But, Haru thought, he relied just as much on Makoto.

Neither of them would be where they were today without the other.  With recent events, the new distance was only a painful reminder of the new space growing in their relationship. Haru always thought he handled change well, but not with Makoto. Makoto was his rock and he was the only constant he had in his life for years. Even after his parents left, after his grandma died, after middle school when everyone went their separate ways. Makoto remained.

Haru finished a lap of the pool, hand tapping the concrete of the wall marking a complete 150m free. His breath came in hurried gasps. While even he could admit he was above average at swimming, his endurance was something that could definitely improve.

He opened his eyes to the diving board, Nagisa was kneeling over to his left and Rei splashed from his lane in less than dignified manner as Nagisa made a vaguely raunchy comment. Haru peeked over his shoulder, trying to look nonchalant with the worry in his head.

The other teen was where he had been the last 20 minutes relaxing because of a 'headache'. Makoto met his eyes immediately and smiled at him for the briefest of seconds. He suddenly shifted from his cross legged position and stood up. Makoto strode determinedly to the locker room and with the click of the door Haru's view was abruptly cut off.

Heaving himself up onto the concrete Haruka followed a distance behind Makoto. Pausing for a second, Haruka gripped the handle of the door and silently slid himself before guiding the door into an almost silent close.

Hiding in the hallway that one had to turn in order to see the locker room, Haru hesitated on what he was going to say. Why did he get out of the water without knowing exactly for what? Why was he so unsure about everything having to do with Makoto recently? Makoto would probably tell him he's fine and "scold" him for worrying about Makoto.

Haru peeked around the corner to find Makoto was facing the other way.

* * *

Makoto began stripping with ease. No one was here and he. had all the privacy he needed. The spandex of his suit stretched over his calves first, his body slowing as he eased over sore skin on his thigh

"Tsk..." Makoto cursed under his breath the dry fabric uncomfortably rubbing on his skin. His face contorted in a grimace, the bottom of his lip held between teeth. There was little he could do about the chafing until he was in the pool. The sooner the better, he thought. He messily stuffed his jacket and pants into the cubby and went to leave.

"Woah!" Makoto grabbed the wall for dear life. His foot had slipped out from underneath him without any warning. 

"Water?" Sure enough, a puddle of lukewarm water had formed in the hallway. Makoto knew it wasn't there when he entered. Or was it?

 The water proof matting in the center of the room certainly needed to be extended.

* * *

 

What had Haru just seen?

He couldn't believe his eyes. Makoto, his Makoto, the smiling swim captain he met in kindergarten and still called him Haru-chan. The Makoto who took in stray cats when it was raining because he was afraid they'd get sick. His Makoto who's heart was as big as his body. His Makoto who had mutilated his body beyond recognition.

Before he had even attempted on confronting Makoto on if anything was wrong, the pieces of the puzzle fell painstakingly in place with that one stolen look behind Makotos back. No appetite, distant, not focusing... Haruka knew those symptoms. They tried to diagnose him with depression once. After beating Rin the first time he almost spiraled down the same path he just found Makoto to be going down.

Time ceased, the world stopped spinning. This isn't supposed to happen to people like Makoto!

Haruka pushed his way violently through the water. He fought the hands of the pool he welcomed seconds ago unable to come to terms with the emotions churning in his stomach. If he stopped now there was the chance his emotions wouldn't be able to stop themselves from coming out or he might throw up or both.

He pushed on for 2 more laps, legs giving out as he reached the wall. Physically he felt like he could go another hour. Mentally, his strength was depleted to zero. Of course, Makoto's hand was there. His smile beamed down on him, now in his swim suit he was acting as if nothing was wrong. That was just like Makoto. Haru grabbed the warm hand but it felt foreign. Did it even belong to the same boy he loved? Unconsciously his eyes zeroed on to the one cut on Makotos forearm. Was that story he told him true? Or had that been... self-inflicted?

Haru found himself out of breath, struggling to calm his pounding heart.

"Haru?-"

* * *

 

"I saw." The words blurted out of Haru's mouth. They weren't followed by a why or how, just stated. Makoto raised an eyebrow, unsure. He released Haru's hand which had began to grip his a bit too tightly. He watched Haru's eyes flick from his arm to his leg then up to meet his gaze. They were a hurricane of emotion. He needed no more words to speak at that volume. Makoto began to recoil.

 _He saw, oh my god, he saw everything_. It felt like he was suffocating. The back of his throat tingled, and the air around him became electricity. He distanced himself. His eyebrows furrowed in frustration. His mouth fumbled for an excuse to give. Opening and closing, until-

"I-I have to go."


	4. An Eventful Evening Part 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I tried to make this chapter as accurate as possible. Makoto seems like the type to push people away when things are troubling him so others don't get involved.

 

"Makoto!" Haru impulsively shot forward to stop Makoto from fuming away.

"Forget it! "

"What? How could I-"

"I'm going home!" Makoto tried to end the conversation. His voice was a mix of anger and fear. He pushed past Haru easily, roughly hitting him on the shoulder in haste. Haru grabbed Makoto by the wrist before he could slip away.

He pleaded, "Makoto. Just talk to me!"

"I said, leave me alone, Haruka!" With a quick jolt he pulled free from Haru's grip on his arm.

The words bit right into Haru's heart. He felt like he was bleeding.

"Haru-chan?"

"Haruka-sempai?"

Raised voices had brought the underclassmen to the aid of their bewildered club-mate. Their faces dropped at the sight of him.

Haruka's silence was different this time. His blue eyes stared after Makoto but they had no life in them. There was so much to process and not enough time to do so. Makoto just kept getting farther and farther away when all he wanted to do was run and hold him close.

Haru's legs wouldn't obey.

Nagisa shook him out of his vegetative state.

"-gisa?" He gasped.

"Haru-chan?" The underclassmens hands were on his shoulders, holding on just a little to tight. Nagisa's eyebrows were furrowed with worry. "What's wrong. you You look... you look like you've seen a ghost."

"Did you and Makoto-senpai..." Rei interjected tentively, "get in a fight?" Nagisa's hands fell from his shoulders slowly. But one still somehow found itself latched on Haru's upper arm. He wasn't sure if it was meant to comfort him or a source of comfort for Nagisa.

Haru's eyes fell to the floor. "It... it was Makoto. He's been..." The words refused to come out of his mouth. He could feel the prickling at the back of his throat like he wanted to cry. There was a pounding forming in his skull like all the blood was rushing to his head.

"He's been cutting himself." The words came out and so did all the air from his chest. It all sounded so unreal.

Rei started, "How do you-"

"I followed him to the locker room." Haru gave him no time to finish. "He's been different so I thought something was bugging him. School, or maybe the swim club, I don't know. That's why I called you the other night. I never expected to see..."

Nagisa leaned closer to Haru as he spoke, the puzzle pieces assembling in his eyes as the words rushed out of Haru. He began to understand what was going on. Nagisa was never good with handling serious subjects. They made him uncomfortable and he a bad habit of letting his emotions come straight out.

The bubbly smile faltered despite his attempts to keep face. His voice was shaking, "Makoto... he didn't want us to worry. How could he be so stupid!"

Hot tears began rolling down the side of his face and the first salty drop reached his lips . Nagisa attempted to stop them, but once he started he just had to let himself cry it out. "I'm sorry... I'm sorry," he whimpered rubbing his eyes.

Rei pulled Nagisa to his chest, patting his blonde hair soothingly as the initial sobs turned to small hiccuping tears. Nagisa stayed there for a long while, hiding his puffy red eyes and finding solace in his Reis warmth.

"You're going to have to confront him, Haruka-senpai."

"I know, Rei."

"He may not want help, or, even think he needs help... But, he does. And I think you're the one person he needs to talk to the most right now."

* * *

Makoto stumbled to put on his clothes. His hands were shaking and tears were threatening to spill.

_Haru knows, he found me out. What am I supposed to say?_

His hands were trembling as he struggled to button his pants. Makoto could feel his heart fluttering. He had been so _ugly._ Haruka hated him, he had every reason to hate him.

The pavement swam by in a rush of grey and black. He needed to get away from everything. He needed an escape, he needed release.

The house appeared before him, he had run the entire way. It was silent except for the echo of the door slamming behind him. Everyone in the house was gone for the day, father busy with work and mother supervising a class trip with the twins. He was perfectly alone.

What was the point of hiding it anymore? Caught in a rage of emotion, Makoto rolled up his sleeves and stared at his arm. Conflict fired in his brain, every thought yelling to be heard. If there was anything that he was certain of in that moment, it was that he wanted this _so bad._

He was so disappointing. He couldn't even handle emotions like a proper human being.

Things fell from the shelf with a clatter. Toothpaste, extra shampoo, he didn't care. He'd clean it up later. He grabbed the razor and played with it between his fingers.

Maybe he'd regret it... but who cared anymore.


	5. Sunset (Goodbye, Sun)

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter might be confusing so to clarify: The italics are thoughts. A first person view of what is going on on each , the first italicized chunk is Makoto's perspective and the second is Haru's perspective.
> 
> I struggled a lot to write this. I wasn't sure where I wanted to steer the story and this was the option I chose. Somehow it feels more like a filler chapter than an actual chapter. I did smuggled some ReiGisa in though if you're into that.

 

_I can remember the first cut. I was scared. My hand was trembling. I almost didn't go through with it. Maybe if I had given up right then and there and I would be here._

_I needed to feel alive. I was tired... I was just so tired of pretending like everything was okay. Everyday I would ask myself, "where am I going?", "why am I going?", and on really bad days, "if I were to disappear, would the rest of the world keep spinning?"_

_The touch of the razor was passionate. It seared onto my skin like a hungry fire. Pain meant I was alive. Pain meant I was still living. Cutting proved at the very least I existed._

_Like every foolish man, I thought I could control fire. I would cut only when I felt like it. But soon, I couldn't live without it. I needed it._

_Nagisa, Rei, and Haru never noticed. Did I want them to? Many times I would fight with the idea of coming clean to Haru, but I never did make up my mind. All I know is_ _I never meant to confess like this. I was hurting myself yet every cut on my body was suddenly transferred to him when I looked into his eyes._ _I suffered in silence because seeing any of my dear friends cry would hurt more than anything I could imagine._

_Was Haru crying now? Haru has only cried a handful of times that I recall... am I...?_

_Damnit._

* * *

"Rei."

Rei perked up at his name, looking down from the beauty of the passing trees to Nagisa. The smaller boy was leaning into the crook of Reis arm, head resting against his chest. Nagisa looked dull, his bright light dim. Even the way he said his name a heart wrenching cry of sadness. The train ambled its way along their rout, occasional sounds of metal rattling their only company.

"Do you think Makoto knows we love him?" Nagisa was tentative and it made Rei uncomfortable how out-of-character he was. His finally dry eyes refused to meet Rei's.

"Nagisa... it's not your fault." Rei squeezed the shoulder his hand was placed on, pulling Nagisa closer. He knew where this was leading. Nagisa was beginning to put himself at fault. "Don't blame yourself, ever. I know perfectly well you show all of us your affection on a daily basis." His cheeks flushed lightly at how sentimental he was getting. Throwing embarrassment out the window, he continued. "He probably doesn't want the help, and most likely thinks he doesn't deserve it, depression does that, but we have to show him otherwise."

"You think it's depression?"

"I've studied a lot of psychology books on mental illness. The symptoms..." Rei stopped speaking and sighed. "We have to be there for him."

Nagisa nodded in agreements. "Always." They were silent again. Somewhere along the trip Nagisa dozed off and unlike usual, Rei coddled him gently.

* * *

_I should've seen it coming. I should've seen the signs. Now it's too late and I don't know if there's anything I can do about it._

_Rei and Nagisa went home out of my explicit orders. I promised them, more like Rei at the time, I would talk to Makoto. My hands are still shaking and there's no point in trying to stop them. Only Makoto could comfort me in a time like this and he is gone._

_His house is cold, not even a light bathing the sidewalk as I walk to the door. It's quite, too quite for a home belonging to the welcoming family I've known since kindergarten. Everyone must be gone. Except Makoto. I know he's here. This is the only place he would have gone._

_I know am the last person he wants to see right now... but I have to try. Knocking once... twice... does he not hear me? Stop ignoring me Makoto! Despite the clear anger I am feeling my body is betraying me._

_Did tears always taste this salty?_

* * *

"Makoto! Makoto open the door!" Haruka was exhausted. His voice broke as he called again and again. "Please, I just, I need to talk to you. I-"

Makoto raised his head from the bedroom wall as the noise downstairs stopped. Did Haru leave? His phone buzzed in his pocket and the message before him was read almost emotionless.

**From: Ryugazaki Rei**

**Received: 7:10 PM Today**

**Message: Please, Makoto-senpai. Just talk to Haruka-senpai. We only want to help.**

It was too late for help. The deed was done and while he expected relief only regret balled into his stomach. He had gone too far. A blood stained towel was FOLDED UP and he held it firm on the self inflicted wounds. He could smell the metallic stench on his fingers. His wrist felt dangerous because it was. He didn't mean to cut so deep.

_Maybe I do need help._

The words on the screen blurred and Makoto found himself crying. Furiously he tried to wipe them away. Another buzz sounded and he had to wait before his sight was clear enough to read the text.

**From: Haru**

**Received: 7:17 PM Today**

**Message: Please, talk with me, Makoto.**

* * *

 

Haru pressed send and waited less than a second for "read" to appear. 

* * *

**From: Haru**

**Received: 7:18 PM Today**

**Message: I need to see you.**

* * *

 

He never was good at texting. Another one flew through within seconds.

* * *

**From: Haru**

**Received: 7:19 PM Today**

**Message: I care about you.**

* * *

 

Haru felt frantic. Makoto had left so.... angry. What was he thinking now? Whatever head space Makoto was in scared Haru. He had no idea what his friend was feeling or how long he had been feeling it. How long had Makoto been in pain, silently suffering? Pretending so convincingly things were okay. He tapped out another message, knowing Makoto was still reading them instantly. This one felt a little selfish.

* * *

 

**From: Haru**

**Received: 7:21 PM Today**

**Message: Just let me know you're okay.**

* * *

This time when his vision failed, it wasn't because he was crying. Makoto 's conscious faded and the rest of the world spun on.

**TO BE CONTINUED...**

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> *Reference to the Free! OST Only For You bc it makes me cry everytime lmao


	6. How Long 'Til Sunrise

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The much requested next chapter... enjoy.
> 
> ~5

**The much requested next chapter... enjoy.**

**~5**

* * *

Haru had not seen Makoto since that night.

Saying _that night_ sounded very vague in his head. Not yesterday, two- maybe three days ago? Time was a blur of events that meant nothing anymore.

Sometimes he would sleep- never more than a few hours. Occasionally he would eat, picking at food he had no appetite for out of the nagging of Gou or Nagisa or Rei. They did their best to be there for the vice-captain but he only felt increasingly lonely. They were not who he wanted so desperately to see.

Haru always knew Makoto was a big part of his life. His earliest memories even involved the boy. Haruka would not be Haruka without Makoto by his side all these years. They grew and they changed but not without each other. Few people could say they have ever had a relationship on the level they did. It felt like his other half was missing.

However, he knew where that other half was. Makoto wasn't as literally lost as Haru felt.

Makoto was laying alive in a hospital a mere 2 miles away. He would know, he was the one who called the ambulance that rushed them there.

While his current condition was stable, the scene Haru rushed in on was the complete opposite.

* * *

_**"999 What's your emergency?"**   
_

_**"Makoto... There's blood. He's bled so much... Please, wake up Makoto."** _

_**"Sir, calm down. Tell me, what's going on."** _

_**"Please! Send help... My friend hurt himself, I don't know what to do!"** _

* * *

"They're ready for you guys. Are you sure you don't want to go Haru?"

Haru refused the offer with a silent shake of the head. Mrs. Tachibana nodded with silent understanding. She'd practically raised Haru like his second mother, and just like her son, could read Haru unlike most.

Without anymore questions she turned on her heel to face the trio of students who also came to support their friend. It was Sunday and they were ready to use their day off to be by the brunettes side on his first day of outside visitation. Calmly, she began to lay out the few rules the staff had placed on Makoto's visitors.

For a mother who recently got the news that her child almost killed himself, she was taking it extremely well. Shock, the doctors said. If shock meant not feeling everything brewing inside him right now then he counted Mrs. Tachibana as a lucky one.

Eventually her warm smile would face the same heart crushing reality Haru had.

There had been blood. Blood all over his sleeve and on his lap and onto his trousers where his left arm had rested. He could clearly remember Makoto's face, he almost looked like he had fallen asleep. His features were soft, a sight Haru had long since memorized from countless night where Makoto would always fell asleep first no matter how long he swore he'd stay up late.

"Haru-chan? Will you be okay by yourself?" Nagisa broke Haru's train of thought. It was surprising that they didn't fight him more on his decision. Then again nothing about this situation is what they would call normal.

Haru promised he would be fine. Rei took the arm of the blonde, gently coaxing him away from Haru and through the door. Gou gave a weak smile and followed their lead. Off they headed to the room he was too scared to face. What would he feel when he entered? How did Makoto look? What if he hated him...

_Tomorrow. I'll go tomorrow and look Makoto in the eye..._

Haru's chest felt tight. When he found Makoto he was completely unresponsive. In that moment he wasn't sure he'd ever be able to even see his friend again. He had shaken his shoulders and felt the strong, constant boy he had always in life slipping weakly from between his fingers. Makoto's pale face etched itself in his eyes. The cold wet touch of his skin as he held a towel to Makoto's wrist and prayed for someone, _anyone_ , to come.

_Breathe, Haru. Makoto is alive._

Haruka hid his face in his hands. The flat of his palms pressed against his eyes in an attempt to quell the burning tears.

* * *

The underclassmen didn't reappear until almost 2 hours later. It didn't feel like it had been that long. Haru had busied himself with reading or watching the television. When all else failed he daydreamed.

"Haruka-senpai, we're going to fetch lunch. Do you want anything?" Gou still had on her smile. She was trying hard not to let her true emotions show.

"No thanks."

"I'll bring you something anyway."

"But Rei-chan," Nagisa was in Rei's grip looking like he had to be dragged away. "I don't want to leave Mako-chan in that ugly, boring room all alone!"

"He won't be all alone, Nagisa-kun. Haruka-senpai will keep him company."

Haru looked up at the mention of his name. His mouth opened a few times and closed tasting the words he wasn't sure he was ready to say.

"Okay."

"Thank you, Haruka-senpai." Rei said after a brief silence. Haru wondered how Rei managed to keep his head straight at a time like this.

Nagisa on the other hand wouldn't be satisfied until he saw Haru actually walk through the door and down the hall. Compliantly, Haru got to his feet and pushed open the wide face of the swinging door. He could still feel Nagisa's puppy dog eyes on him through the heavy metal.

His heart was beating so fast. It pounded in his ears and the smell of sterile hospital became overwhelming. Was there a water fountain nearby? Suddenly his throat was feeling very dry. The tips of his fingernail began digging crescent moons into his palms. He could turn around if he wanted to. He could up and leave and never look back. But his legs kept going despite the thoughts in his mind.

Room B206. Tachibana Makoto. The raised letters of the door confirmed the patient identity.

Haru pressed his ear against the door listening for any activity. The room was almost silent. A steady beeping came from what Haru imagined to be a heart rate monitor. The beeps were soft and gently pulsing, far from erratic. Possibly he could be asleep. No, that's how Makoto always was. Sweet and kind and gentle, it was only fitting his heart did the same. Gathering all the courage he could muster, Haru gripped the knob of the door and let himself in before he changed his mind.

Makoto's room was not as dull as Nagisa made it out to be. Dark from the light not being on but transformed from the gifts of others. The family and all of Makoto's friends had turned the white walled square into an oasis of flowers. They were neatly packed to one corner of the room, right by the sunlight that lazily filtered in. An abstract painting hung opposite. And dead center, Makoto sleeping peacefully in his bed. His brown hair was messy, and the ill-fitting scrub he was wearing had an unpleasant design of polka dots and squares. Makoto's left wrist was covered by the cream coloured blanket but Haruka already knew what was there. He drew in a shaky breath and as soundlessly as possible walked in. A cream colored stool waited for him near the head of the patient.

He would wait. And when Makoto woke up they would need to talk.


End file.
